Are you creating connection or separation in your life and relationships? How can you choose to respond instead of be hijacked by a stress response or trauma pattern?
I’m Christel Arcucci, you’re listening to the Soul Purpose Podcast, the lightning path of embodied spiritual awakening with shadow and light integration. Quit people pleasing, reclaim power, and create your soul purpose legacy.
I am recording this episode in July 2021 it’s an incredibly intense time in human history with so many people experiencing extreme stress and daily challenges.
Two of the greatest concerns is the lack of recognition and support for a population that is working with dysregulated nervous system and the lack of ability to have meaningful discourse on charged topics. I believe the lack of ability to navigate conflicts is because of the first issue that and most people don’t know what this means to have a dysregulated nervous system and how to resolve it.
This amplifies the ‘power over’ dysfunction and limits the chances of coming into ‘power with’ a framework, I have talked about power over vs power with in almost every episode so far.
The basic idea of power with is we’re in this together. And how can we come to a solution rather than I’m going to try to overpower you or bully you into doing what I want.
So…. how can we as a collective come into balance even in a stressed state to be able to respond instead of react?
Today’s topic applies to every relationship in your life no matter what is happening in the world yet with the intensity of what is happening in the world it’s even more important to learn to self-regulate, navigate conflict skillfully and work together to create win-win solutions.
In the present time these topic are important and essential to humanities survival and not easy to implement.
Are you consciously choosing to create connection or separation? Including on social media
There are times that creating separation also called clear and healthy boundaries is the best choice if you’re in an unsafe place or unhealthy relationship.
The main focus of this episode is to be able to CHOOSE TO RESPOND instead of react from a stress response or trauma pattern.
The results of dysfunctional and harmful communication that is rooted in:
us against them
right or wrong
truth or lies
black or white
With us or against us
Either or thinking instead of ‘both and.’
Can you move into a state of ‘yes and’?
Notice, what happens in your nervous system the I ask that question?
There may be some topics that feel so charged for you that you can’t even, won’t even consider it.
And I ask you to take gentle breaths and be willing to explore this topic more deeply.
This is fueling the divide and remember that “divide and conquer” is a strategy of war that works… so who are you really fighting against?
Let’s work on the concept to agree to disagree, for some this idea is so threatening right now yet I believe not being willing or able to self-regulate is rooted in trauma and not the present moment circumstances.
You can have strong thoughts, options and beliefs about your position AND have a reasonable discussion about differences when you have two or more regulated nervous systems to engage.
Either or thinking is often the result of deeply held conditioning and or trauma.
I think humanity as a species is in a collective crisis and trauma response and my focus with this episode is to create connection, curiosity and “yes and” opportunities through our differences. I spoke how to utilize the improv practice of “yes and” as a shadow integration tool in ep 3 The Shadow side of Gratitude Practice.
I am not going to talk about specifics or my perspective or position on any of the HOT TOPICS because the focus is on creating connection even with different opinions, stress management, shadow work, integrating trauma and the power to choose by working with a ‘power with’ framework.
Are you creating connection or are you creating separation?
Humanity is at a tipping point and the question is will humanity come together and make it through this or fight, disagree and expedite the collapse of human civilization?… again.
Let’s talk about a powerful shadow work practice before going further…..Can you go to the mirror right now look into your own eyes and say, “I am a ________” fill in the blank of the topic you are most adamantly opposed to right now. Can you say I have the capacity to be and do that which I most want to avoid or hate most about humans?
I AM THAT.
BOOM. If you can do that and maintain a neutral nervous system you stop playing this show right now. If not keep listening and you’ll get closer to integrating the hardest and ugliest aspects of free will.
Free will gives us the choice and ability to do the most amazing and horrible things.
Let’s try an example. I talk about VPR victim-perpetrator-rescuer on the show.
Can you look into your own eyes in the mirror and say, “I am a perpetrator.” Or “I am a victim.” Or “I am a rescuer.”
Which one is the hardest for you to say. Which one is the easiest for you? Which one lands in the middle?
For me, the easiest one to say, and for most people will be, I am the rescuer.
And the hardest one for me to say is not, I am a perpetrator. The hardest one for me to say is I am a victim. There’s the most internal charge and resistance for, for me personally, since I don’t want to admit that I don’t want to be that. So, how does that land for you?
Of those examples its hardest for me to say, “I am a victim.” There is the most internal charge and resistance for me since I don’t want to admit that.
You may feel a lot of intense emotions with this practice you will be able to say it from a neutral perspective and little to no emotional charge.
Why is that?
Because that helps you to see that you can be any of those. Yet you are in a place of a regulated, nervous system, which allows you to choose to be the victim, the perpetrator, or the rescuer or not to be that is the whole point.
I also encourage you to do this practice with the hot topics you are feeling about the state of humanity today.
Shadow work is the ability to integrate and embrace ALL aspects of your shadow and light. The incredible and horrible. Free will gives you the creative power and opportunity to be a serial killer or a saint and anything and everything in between being able to regulate your nervous system is what gives you the power to choose who you want to be, how you want to show up and how you want to utilize the tools of connection and separation.
Good people generally don’t like considering the shadow aspects of what is possible to do as a human yet being willing to embrace this reality and work together in personal and collective shadow and trauma integration is a core part of healing humanity.
It’s ideal that you work with basic tools of understanding how to communicate when your nervous system is regulated and how to recognize your own nervous system being dysregulated or noticing it in somebody when you’re trying to communicate with. Practice coming back into a state of co-regulation, which simply means that you and the other person that you’re communicating with are in a state of rest and digest and not fight or flight.
If you are in a fight or flight stress response those are the only choices your brain registers in order to stay safe and survive and not about connection.
Fight or flight only cares about your survival and not about connection.
If you are in a fight stress response you will make the other person wrong, attack, defend name call etc
Your autonomic nervous system (ANS) controls the subconscious operation of your nervous system with two primary branches.
Sympathetic nervous system controls the fight or flight response
Parasympathetic nervous system controls your ability to rest and digest.
In the modern world most of the time the fight or flight response is set off in situations that are not life or death. You practice in the moment when you feel extreme stress is to ask yourself is this a life or death situation?
When the answer is no, take a beat, take a breath and anchor yourself in the present moment. Listen to Ep 5: Create the Future with a One Breath Meditation for more support with this.
Bring your system back into a rest and digest state where you can have a conversation with whoever you’re in the disagreement with
Step One: Self Regulate
1. Take a gentle breath
2. Notice sensations you are experiencing to connect with your physical body
3. Anchor your attention in present time to make sure that you are only dealing with the stress of the moment
4. Listening to your thoughts to notice how your system wants to react instead of respond
5. Breathe and stay in the present moment.
Step Two: Recognize the DAMN BS
1. Defend
2. Attack
3. Make wrong
4. Name call
5. Blame
6. Shame
All of these fight responses create more stress, separation and disconnection.
So then you go back to step one, anchoring yourself in your body. Breathing deeply notice sensations, even communicate with the person you’re talking to. I’m noticing I’m feeling stressed right now. I need to take a moment.
Step Three: Choose to respond
1. Be curious about what is possible
2. Dedicate yourself to creating connection instead of separation.
3. Agree to disagree
4. Take a breath regulate your stress system so then you can choose to respond can you learn to agree to disagree on any topic to be Curious
Be committed to looking for that place that you connect.
Be willing to look for your shared humanity.
go beyond separation to find the connection of our humanity
On a fundamental level I believe all people to have a good life for themselves and those around them.
Yet this is an epic time in history of extreme separation and destruction learn to self-regulate and then co-regulate with others and reclaim the ability to have meaningful discourse about topics we disagree about.
Ultimately I think all want to thrive, that desire may be expressed in different ways but essential seeking love and connection, shelter, food and purpose.
Are you willing to look beyond the external expressions?
they worship this God and don’t believe in god.
they want this thing to happen and I want something else to happen
they want this person to be elected and I want that person to be elected
They believe in this cause and I don’t
Can you tap into shared Humanity of living on the same planet and completely dependent upon the health of this Planet to survive?
Then move into a state of creating greater love and connection and having conversations about the things that we disagree about instead of attacking, defending, name calling… etc
Are you able to move out of stress response, be curious, compassionate and have conversations that have the potential of creating change?
This is not easy yet this is the most important practice to resolve conflicts, integrate trauma patterns, and create love and connection.
I am opposed to fueling the fire of division and separation, I believe we’re in this together. Do you want to work together to create a better world for everyone?
I’d like to see us learn to create an environment where we can have different beliefs and different perspectives yet have a fundamental core of commitment to love and connection that is where we move into human awakening and creating heaven on earth and integrating the collective shadow.
Thank you for being here, it’s a pleasure to walk the soul purpose path with you.
You’re listening to the soul purpose podcast, the lightning path of embodied spiritual awakening with shadow and light integration. Quit people-pleasing reclaim power and create your soul purpose legacy.
You can access the Free Soul Success Journal & meditation and all episodes of the podcast and all the goodies mentioned in this episode at soulpurposepractice.com
I believe in you and the magic power of your soul.
For more revolutionary teachings and tools please follow on your favorite podcast app or visit soulpurposepodcast.com. I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode.
I am sending you so much love!